Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
