i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
