The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
