it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
