i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
