My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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