just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Randomize
