So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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