They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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