giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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