So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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