my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
