Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
