I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
