My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
