We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
