i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
