Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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