my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
