Umm I'm too high to move.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
