the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
