Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
