Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
