She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
