I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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