Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You're like the curious george of whores
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
