Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
