my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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