the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
