dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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