I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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