My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
