I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
