sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
