The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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