Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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