he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
