I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
