guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
