We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
