Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The feeling are messing with the penis
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
