I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
