Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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