I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
