it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
