woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
