The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
