you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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