Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
