what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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