Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
