I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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