dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
